Been thinking again about my writing. But then when I actually have the time all my thoughts go away. Then when I don't have time they all come calling again. How I wish I could just sit down and put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. I actually have came up with some ideas for titles and such with things that still bother me or haunt me to this day. Maybe I should just start there and add tidbits whenever I have a moment. But where are those moments when I keep working so many hours? Life has to be so crowded with work, family, shopping, bills, animals, cleaning house, school, meetings.
My eldest child has turned 16 already and yet I remain unpublished except for a few poems here and there. Poetry is a strong suit for me but not everyone understands it or where it comes from. My youngest child, who lives in the home with me, will be turning 5 on Monday. I wonder if I don't let things linger sometimes, from childhood, when I was told I would do nothing with my life and hold myself back. I wonder at times if it's a fear of succeeding as well. Why should it matter if I let others judge me anyhow? It's not their life, it's mine.
My dream is to become a published writer, although at this point I don't know what genre I would actually write. I've had so much go on in this life and most of it shouldn't have happened, but this world is turning more sickening. There's things that could have been prevented if I had chosen another path, but for some reason I was put on that certain path. How can I get past some of those things that still bother me to this day? I mean seriously, I fought my ass off for 4 years to get my oldest 4 children back from my own flesh and blood, but was unsuccessful. All because someone had to dig their fingernails into my flesh and hurt me beyond repair. I feel like a loner, a loser, and like I will never make it anywhere due to holding myself back.
Ever since moving, I haven't kept in touch as I would like with friends in fear that some are reporting back to those I cut out of my life. I still talk to my father often because he is the only one that has told me repeatedly that I can do whatever I put my mind to. So why aren't I listening to him instead of the one who hurt me the most? He's always been there for me when I needed him and he knows how much pain I've endured being around "the evil one".
So should I dare say, my new quest is to succeed in something I've been trying to do for so long? Or should I just clutter my life with more work, school, and physically demanding time spent elsewhere and ignore what I want to accomplish? It's not like I don't have the intelligence to do it, it's me stopping myself from moving forward.
If I can lose 50 pounds in a short few months with little effort, then I should be able to start moving on and putting myself out there more to succeed. Maybe some small goals to get me started again on the right path so I can show myself that I can overcome even the past that haunts me. Listing goals has always been a good idea, as long as they are short term and not to far fetched. Make them simple, small, and short termed and I shall achieve what I want in no time.
One title for a book could be ... Cut by Blood. We'll see. Until the next time I have a bunch of mumbo jumbo to get off my chest ... Ciao for now.
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